so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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