I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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