Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
