Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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