matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Randomize
