At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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