My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
