Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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