guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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