If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Two words: blizzard sex
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
