i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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