why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
