My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
