So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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