just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How's work?
Spinning.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
