New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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