I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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