Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
