I wish my penis had an off switch
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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