I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
