I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Randomize
