I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
