Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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