I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
