shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
