Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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