I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
