Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
