drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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