I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
