this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
