So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
