I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
