if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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