hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
