you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
