I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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