In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
