I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
