I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
