just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have fence marks all over my body
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
