I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
