the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
