I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
