Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
