"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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