I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
