help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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