how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
