I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
