also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
