Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
