My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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