I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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