My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
